Angel
by g-na-1358
Summary: Eren and Levi are out drinking with some people and things are said. Eren doesn't take it so well. (Mentions of self-harm. Modern AU. Some people just don't think about what they're saying.)


**A/N:** This is a sort of continuation of my fic You will always be my... but really, it can be read by itself.

Btw, if you are wondering, I wrote this AU purely to vent, so yeah, something like this actually happened. I just didn't have a Levi with me.

* * *

It's been a month since I found out about my boyfriend's, Eren's depression.

I have to admit, I never would have guessed if it weren't for the (bloody) razor blade I found by chance. He always seemed so happy, so... free. When he was still attending school, he seemed so stressed all of the time, procrastinating any and all work he was supposed to do, barely passing. It was obvious he's not interested in the least in the lessons he's taking.

He confessed he felt like a huge weight's been lifted off his shoulders when he actually dropped out.

I don't think he lied about that but it never crossed my mind it might not be as easy as that. That in the end he cared more about what the people around him thought than his own happiness. Because that's all this is about. Happiness. Eren was unhappy while at school and his parents were unhappy while he was not at school. That was the whole root of his problem; the other self-hating thoughts only came as a side-dish.

But now that I know it's there, now that I know what signs to look for, it's so fucking obvious... It's a mystery to me how I never noticed how stiff his bright smile got sometimes, how he instinctively shields his left hand from direct view while clutching at it, how he withdraws into himself.

Like right now.

I can see why since I'm now aware of what's probably going through his head while listening to this conversation that's going on.

We're in a bar celebrating someone's birthday (I'm not so sure whose... it's one of his friend's friends and I don't give enough of a shit to remember who's who as I only know a few people there anyway) and somehow the conversation steered in the one direction I'd never imagine or want it to.

"Man, I'll never understand that. Why would anyone _want_ to commit suicide."

In my peripheral vision I see Eren flinch the slightest bit.

I honestly don't know what to do to help him yet not alert anyone. I decide to casually sling my arm over his shoulders as I've learned that physical contact helps him hold himself together. No one will find it suspicious anyway.

"Yeah. It's so freaking selfish."

I grit my teeth, barely holding myself from some angry retort. I'm lucky I look angry all the time. No one will notice that I am actually angry right now.

The topic shifts slightly but not in a good way. Probably the worst way, actually. Someone spills their drink on the far side of the table, cursing loudly and attracting the attention of the people leading the undesirable conversation next to us. One of them swiftly grabs a knife from the holder and hands it over to the clumsy culprit. "Here. Cut yourself, that's the only way to cope."

There's a beat of silence before the whole table bursts out laughing. Eren laughs as well but it's a sound that hurts to hear. I tighten my grip on him, pulling him as close as I can.

For the next minutes people make random cutting jokes like it's so funny. I can't stand it; I'm surprised I haven't killed anyone yet. Eren started trembling slightly a while ago. I can't even imagine how he's feeling right now and I can't comprehend how he is still sitting at that table.

As if reading my thoughts he suddenly gets up announcing he's going to the bathroom. I watch him leave with concern, contemplating, before deciding to give him some space to breathe and calm down.

However, I change my mind after a while. He needs someone right now and I am the only one who can be that someone. So I excuse myself saying I need to make a call and go after him.

I enter the bathroom, which is seemingly empty. But I know he's there. He's always there. Always in the bathroom. It's private, small, enclosed and lockable. Ideal hiding place.

I approach the only closed stall in there, the one furthest from the door, and put a hand on the handle. "Eren..." I start saying in a soft voice. "Eren, I'm coming in, okay?"

"No. Go away." It takes a few seconds for him to answer but when he does, I can't help but cringe. It sounds so lifeless. He normally acts so irritated when he gets like this, snapping at anything that makes a noise; he must be really fucking hurt.

"Eren, come on. You know I'm not going away so please, open up. _Please_."

It seems like an eternity until I hear the door unlock but when it does, I sigh in relief. I immediately start opening the door, being extra careful to make as little noise as possible, slipping through as soon as the gap gets wide enough and locking the door again.

Eren is, as expected, crouching down in a tight ball pressed to the wall, forehead on his knees and his hands pulling on his hair, breathing through his mouth forcefully slow as to not make any noise, but the breaths are shallow and in quick succession. He's also trembling slightly, though he's not crying. Or more like he won't cry.

It hurts seeing him like this. I feel like crying myself. But I can't do that, I need to help Eren.

It's tight in there with two people, even with Eren making himself as small as possible but I manage to crouch down next to him, pulling his broken form to me, hugging him tight. He lets himself fall onto my chest without protest, his hands slipping from his hair in the process. I'm glad he's not trying to make himself go bald anymore, but I'm not sure the desperate clutching on his left arm is any better.

I don't say anything at first; know better than try by now, just stroking his hair and back slowly, soothingly. It's only when I feel his breathing calm down to a normal state that I do open my mouth. "Do you want to go home? We can leave as soon as you feel like moving. I'll just go grab our things and tell them you're not feeling well and we can be out."

I feel him shake his head violently. "No. We can't leave. I can't ruin the party for them."

"Eren, you wouldn't be ruining anything by leaving. The party can go on normally even without us. I really think it would be better if-"

"Right," he interrupts me. "What was I thinking; of course it can go on without me. It would probably go better that way." It sounds so bitter and sad; I'm not sure how much of this ache I can take before _I_ break down.

But that ache is not the only thing I feel right now. Because what Eren said really frustrated me. How can someone assume the worst so automatically? No matter how many times I try to teach him better? "That's not what I meant! They will be sad you're leaving, they won't want you to leave, but at the same time they care about you. They really do. And they will respect you feel sick. So they'll send you home and have fun even for you and they will take a lot of pictures to show you and tell you about everything that happens. Not to make you feel left out but to make you feel like you were actually here."

Eren is silent for a long time after that. I start to think that he's actually contemplating what I said but of course things are never that easy. "…I'm sorry," he says.

"What are you apologizing for?" I question, confused.

"For everything. I'm just causing you trouble. You always have to be careful about everything around me, have to calm me down all the time… I bet you're getting real tired of my shit by now…" he chuckles bitterly at the end and I freeze.

I can't deny I'm tired. I'm tired of having to walk on eggshells around him. Tired of the mood swings. Tired of the pain, the fear that I'll lose him one day.

But that's exactly what fuels me to try my damnedest to be there for him, to help him. To get our own happiness. I really can't and don't want to be happy without him. Because I fucking love him and if he can't be there to share my happiness with, it's not happiness for me.

I just hug him tighter before whispering, "You know I'll always be here for you, right?"

Eren's silent for a long second before snorting, "So you're not gonna deny it."

"No. I am tired but so are you, aren't you." I feel him stiffen in my arms and start stroking his hair slowly. "But I'm not going to give up. And neither are you. You never give up, after all."

He snorts before murmuring sarcastically, "You know, I just might."

Now it's my turn to stiffen. Those are the words I've been scared to hear for a while now and now he's just saying them like they are a joke. "Don't say that. Not as a joke, and definitely not if you mean it. I know you can get through this. And I'll be here for you the whole time. And after it's all over and you find something you can put all your passion into, we'll be so happy all our friends will be disgusted with us and forbid us coming anywhere together so they don't have to look at us."

He chuckles at that before it turns into a soft laughter. "I seriosly can't imagine you getting sappy to the point of disgusting other people."

I smile at the sound of his amusement. "Me neither; guess now you can't give up so we can see that, hm?"

Eren's soft chuckles die down and he's silent for a whole minute as I wait patiently for him to come to terms with what I said, all the while stroking his hair.

I more feel then hear him sigh and whisper a quiet, "Okay..."

I smile again, wider than before. "Good. Shall we head back now?"

"Sure."

We slowly pick ourselves up and I try very hard not to think about how we were sitting on a _public bathroom floor_. I go to unlock the door when Eren says something again, "Hey, Levi?"

I turn to look at him questioningly, my eyes locking with his slightly reddish ones.

"I love you."

The sudden confession catches me a little off guard and I end up staring at him for a second before a soft smile spreads on my face and I lean over to him to gently connect our lips. With out mouths still touching lightly, I murmur softly to him, "I love you, too."


End file.
